It's funny when I realize the way I blog. I can like finish 1 paragraph, then go surf net, then come back and continue another paragraph.

It has been rather the toughest relationship I've been through until now. I can be so pissed, so fierce (my devil side), yet also I can be so patience.

I never understood what have I become after being in this relationship for 4 months now. And I often ask myself if I'm satisfied.

Seriously, it isn't easy on me.

I can declare to the whole world, I'm a MUMMY'S GIRL!

Since young I've been so protected by my mum because of what the family is going through at the moment of time. Times whereby I knew I made a mistake, Mummy will still pretend that it's somebody else mistake in front of them (though I get my lecture only at home).

Never of my boyfriend has been so fierce to me.

I can always shout back at you. But you never knew in my heart, I'm trembling. Even my mum doesn't talk to me that way.

Sometimes I feel like even when I tell my story, I'll only get negative feedback. I'm not complaining, I know you're like that. But have you ever understand what I need? When I said that I had a nightmare, you question me back and asked me why dream about all this, you're thinking too much. How will I feel?

I mean, do you understand why I tell you I had a nightmare. Do you really see the reason behind it? It isn't everything you've to "splash cold water". It's sad. Because just for one fact. I'm MISS GIRLFRIEND and not just a friend. I feel that I deserve more than a friend.

And I bet I'll be said as I also concern about my friend more than my boyfriend. But maybe you should ask my friend..

And is just like today, at the pub. You saw Aunt Cecilla (Boss's mum), you ask me to leave quickly, you're afraid that the bosses will once again come and make me drunk. Then I told you that I text one of them and they're not in town. Your reply? Why you message him? You want them to come down and drink with you right?

I almost wanted to walk off.

Because I smell something call NO TRUST.

I'm disappointed.

You always trust yourself that I'll be like that, and I can't change for you. Just like when you question me things like, if I work more, I'll have less time for you, and you're bound to complain. You just trust yourself that I'll be like that forever. You've already given me a death sentence even before I could prove to you in actions.

I mean..

What else can I say.

I bet when you see this blog post you'll be fuming mad. Why do I have to post this here. ONLINE. Why haven't I considered about your pride.

But seriously, my only explanation is, I dare not tell you in person.

Sometimes I begin to question myself if it was worthwhile. But because you told me right from the start the you see a future, and you want to create a future with me, I endure.

And because of this relationship, I begin to realize that HUMAN ONLY SEE WHAT YOU HAVE NOT DONE. AND NOT WHAT YOU HAVE DONE.

I seriously feel that I've changed so much. Sometimes I don't even recognize myself. I feel like I'm a completely different person.

Never in my life I have to endure so much pain.

Never once when I blog, I tear..

Never, ...

Then,

xoxo