Oh well.. He finally knows it. Something that I thought I would just hide forever in order save all the friendships. Because this is the ending that I know will break me apart.

But he's right. How long can I hide from him? I can't possibly hide from him forever. I'm tired of all the hauntings. Is so torturing. Can you imagine having nightmares so often. And the nightmares can haunt you day and night? And I know I love him, and if the longer I drag, the outcome can be even worse. I'm so afraid that what the fortune teller say is true. Because if that's the case, then I would feel that whatever we've been through, especially the tough shits is all wasted.

But seriously, I can't lose any of them. All of them are too important to me.

I don't know what I can do now. I guess it wouldn't be the same anymore.

And I feel that I'll never gain back his trust. I'm sorry, I make you sob once again.. I'm sorry to lie about all this.

If time turns back, I rather I told you the truth the day you told me yours.

A relationship is based on trust. I hope somehow or rather, I'll gain it back.

I'm truly sorry, you know who you're.

This song, I listened to it the day you told me about yours. I'm dedicating to you now.

I really am just afraid to hurt you..

I'm sorry, once again.

xoxo

Am I really having too much thoughts? Or just afraid of facing what may seem to happen? Oh well.. I'm lost. Seriously..

Until now, I still find joy in talking to people about God. Sharing past experiences of being in church and so on. I often wonder why. I've left church 4 - 5 years ago. Why do I still feel the joy of the church, the happiest and comfortableness of hearing and humming to praise and worship songs. But, there's one thing I wouldn't deny. I still considered myself as a Christian and I still love God. However, I still feel that I wouldn't want to return to church so yet. I'm so afraid of committing myself now.

And.. Does that (the last sentence I've mention) refers to my life?

Sometimes, I really wish I'm still single.

Is it because of the commitments?

I wonder..

I mean. Thing isn't the same when you're attached. There're bound to be restrictions here and there. And what really make things worst is when: you really just need your partner to understand some things, but you ended up getting misunderstood and causes a quarrel/ argument. Being attached means you're not only doing thing and being liable to yourself but also your partner.

Seriously, it can be a tired chore (I would call that- being responsible to both you and your partner). But somehow, it also can be this that you learn.

I wouldn't deny that my partner make me realize tons of things. But he does, make me hate certain things to the max as well.

Being in a relationship is such a love and hate situation.

You love it for the fact that there's always someone there for you. To dote on you. To brush your hair to make you feel the love. To.. Blah blah blah...

Being in a relationship, I believe make you change yourself to accommodate the person you're with as well. Which.. Can be good or bad.

I did realize that my relationship now change me a lot.

From being a super short tempered person NOT to a long tempered. But at least, now I'm able to control my temper. From a person that talks too straight (I still does when the person talks "too straight" to me), I try not to pick on the person weaknesses. From being super super glue, I try to keep my cool, control it, let him rest then give him the love that he needs.

But seriously.. Changing myself, I think can be good, can be bad.

But now, I'll see how it goes before I comment on..

It's my life anyway. Maybe just a different way of living it. (:

Till then,

xoxo

:)

It's funny when I realize the way I blog. I can like finish 1 paragraph, then go surf net, then come back and continue another paragraph.

It has been rather the toughest relationship I've been through until now. I can be so pissed, so fierce (my devil side), yet also I can be so patience.

I never understood what have I become after being in this relationship for 4 months now. And I often ask myself if I'm satisfied.

Seriously, it isn't easy on me.

I can declare to the whole world, I'm a MUMMY'S GIRL!

Since young I've been so protected by my mum because of what the family is going through at the moment of time. Times whereby I knew I made a mistake, Mummy will still pretend that it's somebody else mistake in front of them (though I get my lecture only at home).

Never of my boyfriend has been so fierce to me.

I can always shout back at you. But you never knew in my heart, I'm trembling. Even my mum doesn't talk to me that way.

Sometimes I feel like even when I tell my story, I'll only get negative feedback. I'm not complaining, I know you're like that. But have you ever understand what I need? When I said that I had a nightmare, you question me back and asked me why dream about all this, you're thinking too much. How will I feel?

I mean, do you understand why I tell you I had a nightmare. Do you really see the reason behind it? It isn't everything you've to "splash cold water". It's sad. Because just for one fact. I'm MISS GIRLFRIEND and not just a friend. I feel that I deserve more than a friend.

And I bet I'll be said as I also concern about my friend more than my boyfriend. But maybe you should ask my friend..

And is just like today, at the pub. You saw Aunt Cecilla (Boss's mum), you ask me to leave quickly, you're afraid that the bosses will once again come and make me drunk. Then I told you that I text one of them and they're not in town. Your reply? Why you message him? You want them to come down and drink with you right?

I almost wanted to walk off.

Because I smell something call NO TRUST.

I'm disappointed.

You always trust yourself that I'll be like that, and I can't change for you. Just like when you question me things like, if I work more, I'll have less time for you, and you're bound to complain. You just trust yourself that I'll be like that forever. You've already given me a death sentence even before I could prove to you in actions.

I mean..

What else can I say.

I bet when you see this blog post you'll be fuming mad. Why do I have to post this here. ONLINE. Why haven't I considered about your pride.

But seriously, my only explanation is, I dare not tell you in person.

Sometimes I begin to question myself if it was worthwhile. But because you told me right from the start the you see a future, and you want to create a future with me, I endure.

And because of this relationship, I begin to realize that HUMAN ONLY SEE WHAT YOU HAVE NOT DONE. AND NOT WHAT YOU HAVE DONE.

I seriously feel that I've changed so much. Sometimes I don't even recognize myself. I feel like I'm a completely different person.

Never in my life I have to endure so much pain.

Never once when I blog, I tear..

Never, ...

Then,

xoxo

-to be continue-

-edited-

After posting the 3 words above yesterday, I went to sleep. I'm not going to type a super long post. Somehow I feel that I'm still having the mood swing in me. Most properly, woman's day is coming..

I'm smoking while blogging up this post. Seriously, I've zero mood to blog.

Everything seem so lifeless.

But somehow, it seem weird. I'm having the normal sleep at night, wake up in the morning habit now. Somehow, I wonder, why now??

Mummiie finally agree to my air steward interview. Should I go?

Totally no mood,

xoxo