L E A R N; from shits

♥♥♥: what future do i face; when the truth is out

@ Thursday, April 29, 2010

Oh well.. He finally knows it. Something that I thought I would just hide forever in order save all the friendships. Because this is the ending that I know will break me apart.

But he's right. How long can I hide from him? I can't possibly hide from him forever. I'm tired of all the hauntings. Is so torturing. Can you imagine having nightmares so often. And the nightmares can haunt you day and night? And I know I love him, and if the longer I drag, the outcome can be even worse. I'm so afraid that what the fortune teller say is true. Because if that's the case, then I would feel that whatever we've been through, especially the tough shits is all wasted.

But seriously, I can't lose any of them. All of them are too important to me.

I don't know what I can do now. I guess it wouldn't be the same anymore.

And I feel that I'll never gain back his trust. I'm sorry, I make you sob once again.. I'm sorry to lie about all this.

If time turns back, I rather I told you the truth the day you told me yours.

A relationship is based on trust. I hope somehow or rather, I'll gain it back.

I'm truly sorry, you know who you're.

This song, I listened to it the day you told me about yours. I'm dedicating to you now.

我竟然沒有調頭　最殘忍那一刻
靜靜看你走　一點都不像我
原來人會變得溫柔　是透徹的懂了
愛情是流動的　不由人的　何必激動著要理由
相信你只是怕傷害我　不是騙我　很愛過誰會捨得
把我的夢搖醒了　宣佈幸福不會來了
用心酸微笑去原諒了　也翻越了　有昨天還是好的
但明天是自己的　開始懂了　快樂是選擇

I really am just afraid to hurt you..

I'm sorry, once again.

xoxo

♥♥♥: life; indeed it's different

@ Saturday, April 24, 2010

Kind of of stressed out. I don't know why.

Am I really having too much thoughts? Or just afraid of facing what may seem to happen? Oh well.. I'm lost. Seriously..

Until now, I still find joy in talking to people about God. Sharing past experiences of being in church and so on. I often wonder why. I've left church 4 - 5 years ago. Why do I still feel the joy of the church, the happiest and comfortableness of hearing and humming to praise and worship songs. But, there's one thing I wouldn't deny. I still considered myself as a Christian and I still love God. However, I still feel that I wouldn't want to return to church so yet. I'm so afraid of committing myself now.

And.. Does that (the last sentence I've mention) refers to my life?

Sometimes, I really wish I'm still single.

Is it because of the commitments?

I wonder..

I mean. Thing isn't the same when you're attached. There're bound to be restrictions here and there. And what really make things worst is when: you really just need your partner to understand some things, but you ended up getting misunderstood and causes a quarrel/ argument. Being attached means you're not only doing thing and being liable to yourself but also your partner.

Seriously, it can be a tired chore (I would call that- being responsible to both you and your partner). But somehow, it also can be this that you learn.

I wouldn't deny that my partner make me realize tons of things. But he does, make me hate certain things to the max as well.

Being in a relationship is such a love and hate situation.

You love it for the fact that there's always someone there for you. To dote on you. To brush your hair to make you feel the love. To.. Blah blah blah...

Being in a relationship, I believe make you change yourself to accommodate the person you're with as well. Which.. Can be good or bad.

I did realize that my relationship now change me a lot.

From being a super short tempered person NOT to a long tempered. But at least, now I'm able to control my temper. From a person that talks too straight (I still does when the person talks "too straight" to me), I try not to pick on the person weaknesses. From being super super glue, I try to keep my cool, control it, let him rest then give him the love that he needs.

But seriously.. Changing myself, I think can be good, can be bad.

But now, I'll see how it goes before I comment on..

It's my life anyway. Maybe just a different way of living it. (:

Till then,

xoxo

♥♥♥: when i tell my story; you listen

@ Wednesday, April 21, 2010

I've no idea how long can this blog post goes. I feel like I've a shitload of stuffs to rant about, but I'm thinking maybe by the time I've finish ranting about the first one, I may have forget about what I want to rant next.

It's funny when I realize the way I blog. I can like finish 1 paragraph, then go surf net, then come back and continue another paragraph.

It has been rather the toughest relationship I've been through until now. I can be so pissed, so fierce (my devil side), yet also I can be so patience.

I never understood what have I become after being in this relationship for 4 months now. And I often ask myself if I'm satisfied.

Seriously, it isn't easy on me.

I can declare to the whole world, I'm a MUMMY'S GIRL!

Since young I've been so protected by my mum because of what the family is going through at the moment of time. Times whereby I knew I made a mistake, Mummy will still pretend that it's somebody else mistake in front of them (though I get my lecture only at home).

Never of my boyfriend has been so fierce to me.

I can always shout back at you. But you never knew in my heart, I'm trembling. Even my mum doesn't talk to me that way.

Sometimes I feel like even when I tell my story, I'll only get negative feedback. I'm not complaining, I know you're like that. But have you ever understand what I need? When I said that I had a nightmare, you question me back and asked me why dream about all this, you're thinking too much. How will I feel?

I mean, do you understand why I tell you I had a nightmare. Do you really see the reason behind it? It isn't everything you've to "splash cold water". It's sad. Because just for one fact. I'm MISS GIRLFRIEND and not just a friend. I feel that I deserve more than a friend.

And I bet I'll be said as I also concern about my friend more than my boyfriend. But maybe you should ask my friend..

And is just like today, at the pub. You saw Aunt Cecilla (Boss's mum), you ask me to leave quickly, you're afraid that the bosses will once again come and make me drunk. Then I told you that I text one of them and they're not in town. Your reply? Why you message him? You want them to come down and drink with you right?

I almost wanted to walk off.

Because I smell something call NO TRUST.

I'm disappointed.

You always trust yourself that I'll be like that, and I can't change for you. Just like when you question me things like, if I work more, I'll have less time for you, and you're bound to complain. You just trust yourself that I'll be like that forever. You've already given me a death sentence even before I could prove to you in actions.

I mean..

What else can I say.

I bet when you see this blog post you'll be fuming mad. Why do I have to post this here. ONLINE. Why haven't I considered about your pride.

But seriously, my only explanation is, I dare not tell you in person.

Sometimes I begin to question myself if it was worthwhile. But because you told me right from the start the you see a future, and you want to create a future with me, I endure.

And because of this relationship, I begin to realize that HUMAN ONLY SEE WHAT YOU HAVE NOT DONE. AND NOT WHAT YOU HAVE DONE.

I seriously feel that I've changed so much. Sometimes I don't even recognize myself. I feel like I'm a completely different person.

Never in my life I have to endure so much pain.

Never once when I blog, I tear..

Never, ...

"Sometimes you just need someone. Someone to make you smile when you’re sad, to tell you you’re beautiful. Someone to look forward to seeing you everyday Someone to call you every night just to say I love you and mean it"

Then,

xoxo

♥♥♥: mood swing; part and parcel of life

@ Friday, April 9, 2010

SUPER MOOD SWING!

-to be continue-

-edited-

After posting the 3 words above yesterday, I went to sleep. I'm not going to type a super long post. Somehow I feel that I'm still having the mood swing in me. Most properly, woman's day is coming..

I'm smoking while blogging up this post. Seriously, I've zero mood to blog.

Everything seem so lifeless.

But somehow, it seem weird. I'm having the normal sleep at night, wake up in the morning habit now. Somehow, I wonder, why now??

Mummiie finally agree to my air steward interview. Should I go?

Totally no mood,

xoxo

♥♥♥: you'll learn; through my tears

@ Monday, March 29, 2010

Was talking to boyfriend on the phone just now. I'm kind of sad that he cried because of how much we aren't meeting up. It make me realized that it isn't that easy to being able to challenge yourself. He was the one who told me that we shouldn't meet everyday, because once we get use to this, it will be difficult for us next time.

So I decided that after his 4 days off days plus public holidays leave, we should start this 'system'. I must say I'm taking it quite okay. Maybe because of my previous relationship, I endured more than this. But for him, 4 years without a girlfriend, I guess it's really hard on him. But I seriously don't know how to put it across him that this must carry on or we'll never learn.

I know that tears are bound to drop through- out a relationship. But I admit I never expect to drop these much of tears just in this short period of 3 months.

And in my previous entry on my blog, I wrote,

Well.. Many times, I feel very 委屈 because of your families. Like I never understand why do I have to give in to the unreasonable thinking of theirs. But I guess, if you choose to stand with them totally, I would probly gave up this relationship.

Maybe you feel that you've done me wrong about standing on the side of your Dad, and thus it allows a number of things to seem impossible to do. But I did explain to you that, at least between me and her, you still feel that you'll be on my side to support me.

I didn't mind about the number of things that we couldn't do, but I look at the number of things that at least we still are able to do. You did feel that by standing on your Dad's side, you seem so 对不起 me. But I understand why you did it. 委屈, I'll get over this someday.

Anyway, since this is my blog, and whoever you're reading this will only be considered as my readers. No matter how you're related to me. I want to post about certain things that I can't talk about in front of certain people. At least, give me a ranting space, I really need it so much. You don't have to comment, because I'm not waiting for this to generate how I'm going to think.

Was on MSN with ex- boyfriend just now.

We were talking about random stuffs. But then, he began to ask me about my relationship now. I told him that it's fine just that there's certain issues here and there. He even ask me to invite him to my wedding if I do, get married.

Then I ask him about his girlfriend. And he told me that he's still single. So, what about the Thai girlfriend? He told me they were just friends. But he did told me before that he was so ready to go attach with this Thai girl and maybe up till the status of getting married.

He just told me that when he told me those, it was his drunken days.

Days when he got drunk because of me. Because I got attached again, but the person that I was attached to wasn't him, but someone else.

And worst still, it's been half a year since we broke up, and he told me that he haven't got over it. Should I be smiling because of how much I actually am able to influence him or should I cry because I didn't endure more enough to go through this really hard times with him.

He asked me, do I still have feelings for him..

I didn't answer him.

I really wanted to deny, but is too difficult.

After all, 4 years..

Been through so much..

But I guess what Bob say is right,

"if you can't get over it, just get use to it"

and like what I post on my facebook status before,

"for some reasons, if you cant get someone out of your head, .. then maybe they are supposed to be there"

I will just let you stay there. Maybe just act like the video guide to my life, to my relationship. After all, no matter how much I wanted to tell him the truth, I'll always remember, I'm already somebody else girlfriend.. The more I say, the 3 of us is going to get hurt more.

I'm not going to bid him goodbye, I'll still choose to stay as his friend. But I never will answer him that question.

Just for one reason, I'm already somebody else girlfriend, there's no need to answer him.

So what if the answer is yes, we won't be together anymore.

So what if the answer is no, you'll just get more sad.

And since I've already claim that boyfriend has walk me out of the past, what's the point? Plus, I really don't wish to quarrel or argue with boyfriend because of this topic. 说出来只是想让你了解我的想法, 我不后悔作了你的女朋友. 就算你和我在12月15日没有在一起, 我现在只会是单生,不会回到他身边.

No point..

Till next,

xoxo